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Submitted by: Liss via Submission Page
I’m no expert in the penal code, but I have a theory about how to avoid a wrongful conviction. This may sound crazy, but it involves NOT replacing your eyebrows with prison tattoos. It also involves a monkey in a chauffeur’s hat and a half-gallon tub of nacho-sliced jalapeños, but that’s a different story for a different day.
Ink Spotter: Alfie
Let’s see, what do we have here? Simulating a sexual act, with a beer bottle, inside a car. I don’t think the tattoo was really necessary.
On another note, have you ever had Miller Chill? I’ve got nothing against a bottle of cheap brew on a Monday morning Sunday afternoon, but this shit tastes like it has a lime Otter Pop dissolved in it. I know times are tough, but really, do yourself a favor and shell out the $0.19 for an actual lime. You deserve it.
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Ink Spotter: Ellie
So you got your internal reproductive organs reproduced on the outside of your skin. Big effin deal. Call me when you man up (heh) and get a serious internal organ tattooed externally. Like your skull:
Source: Tattoo Design Group
Makes that uterus look like child’s play, doesn’t it? HA HA, get it? “Child’s play”? I slay me.
UPDATE:
Thanks to those commenters who have pointed us to more info on Zombie Boy. We found this interview particularly enlightening. Zombie Boy is predictably insane and also unintentionally hilarious. For example, this is his explanation of why he does what he does:
“I thought long and hard about what I really wanted, what my passion was. And I decided I wanted to be a fucking zombie.”
Kind of hard to argue with that, I guess. Here’s a more recent picture of him:
Source: Bizarre Magazine
Zombie Boy also says that he’s a “much happier person” since getting his tattoos and no longer wants “to fucking kill everybody.” So what do you think, ladies? Would you kick him out of bed for eating brains?
Ink Spotter: Anna H
The Knights Templar fell on pretty hard times 700 or so years ago. According to my sources, France’s King Philip charged them with numerous heresies and tortured them to extract false confessions of blasphemy. Pope Clement then issued the papal bull Pastoralis Praeeminentiae on November 22, 1307, which instructed all Christian monarchs in Europe to arrest all Templars and seize their assets. So yeah, that sucks. But they really hit bottom when one of their underground forces, centuries later, was arrested for DUI and an illegal U-turn in 2009. I think they may ask him to remove his Templar Shield tattoo. I hope for his sake the Clock Repairers’ Union isn’t as strict. Those lasers hurt.
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Ink Spotter: BodyMod.org
Alright, you have my attention. Now what is it that you want?
Oh, that was it? Okay then.
PS: Check back later today for the winner of our haiku contest and the debut of a certain Ugly Tatter’s new backside body art!
Submitted By: Anonymous
I spy, all ‘round your eye
12 circling spiders*
Not 13? Why?
A baker’s dozen
Of bad luck would seem
A better choice for this
Sociopathic scene
*Yeah maybe they’re ants. It’s called poetic license.
Update:
Commenter Aunt Martha has given us a great idea: HAIKU CONTEST! Everyone loves a haiku contest, right? Right?
Give us your best tattoo- or bug-related (or both!) haiku in the comments. We’ll pick our favorite by midnight tomorrow, and the winner will get their face tramp-stamped** onto the Ugly Tatter (Stephen or Jessica) of their choice (provided they can send us an image. If not, we’ll just guess at what you look like based on your haiku).
Don’t disappoint us! Here’s one to warm you up:
They’re ants, not spiders
As though that makes this better
He still has no job
**through the magic of Photoshop
Source: Rotten Yellow
I’ve been staring at this picture forever, trying to figure out why it seems so strange. Sure, it’s a dude with face tats, but there’s something that makes him even weirder than your average rejecter of social norms.
Then it finally hit me. It’s a guy with multiple piercings and a vaguely intimidating Guido-chain around his neck, whose face, neck, chest, and presumably other body parts are COMPLETELY FUCKING COVERED in tattoos. And yet, with those glasses, he looks like my uncle Donald. Like, if you told me he’s a civil engineer and works for the department of transportation, I wouldn’t bat an eye.
If you were that committed to living outside the mainstream, wouldn’t you make an effort to buy glasses from somewhere other than the LensCrafters in your local strip mall?
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