Archive for the 'Shoot Screw or Marry' Category

Well, we’ve already had two Tinkerbells this week, so why not Shoot, Screw, or Marry a few more?

Ink Spotter: Anonymous

First up is crabby Tinkerbell. Did you know that, because of their small size, pixies are incapable of experiencing more than one emotion at any given time? I’m just having a hard time figuring out if the emotion this one is experiencing at the moment is anger or mild retardation.

Ink Spotter: John C

Next is naked Tinkerbell. Listen, I know she was competing with Wendy for Peter’s attention, but this is not the way to get it. Perpetually adolescent boys aren’t into boobies. Right?

Ink Spotter: Anonymous

And finally, goth Tinkerbell, complete with coffin-shaped purse. Actually, I think I knew this chick in high school. Ditching gym class to go hang out at Hot Topic was her idea of being subversive.

Let’s see… I’m going to have to shoot stompy Tinkerbell. I know that Tink didn’t speak English, but stomping our feet is not an acceptable form of communication in my book. Screw naked Tinkerbell, because she seems…classy. And I’m lazy.

Crap, I guess that leaves marrying goth Tinkerbell. Oh well. Maybe she can lend me some of her greasepaint to cover up my sexy Mulan tattoo.

In the world of tattoos, there are many recurring themes. Some more common motifs include sailor imagery, religious emblems, and sports allegiances. Also, boobies.

For that reason, and because we have the maturity level of a junior high schooler off his ADHD meds, today’s Shoot, Screw, or Marry is all about boobies.

At the top of the stack (GONG!):

Ink Spotter: Anonymous

Conan the Barbarian with two chicks from the back of a Big Johnson t-shirt. Despite the naked ladies, I’m getting a strong gay vibe from this tattoo. I don’t know if it’s the bulge in Conan’s skivvies or the fact that this picture looks like it was taken in a suburban nail salon. Either way, I don’t want to know what happened to his missing gauntlet.

Ink Spotter: Marie-Ann

Now, I know what you all are going to say. “Dude, that’s totally hott!” “This isn’t ugly at all!” “FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING LOSER GET A FUCKIN LIFE!!!1!” (trust me, someone will say that). But I beg to differ (except with the part about getting a life. I should probably do that). This shit looks like it was copied off a poster stolen from a Dungeon Master’s basement. And if it takes this much effort to rustle up some nerd penis, then you’re doing something wrong.

Ink Spotter: Anonymous

…and finally, the bearded lady. Or maybe this tattoo is to suggest that Jesus had tits, which would really make the debate about his ethnicity seem insignificant.

My picks: Shoot the Whitesnake-album-with-bad-implants back piece. She looks like the type that feigns bisexuality to get attention from boys at the Ren fair, an agenda I’d prefer not further. Screw gay Conan and his beard harem. I just hope he doesn’t stuff his loincloth. And marry lady-Jesus. Wait, does that make me a nun?

Another tough call! Your picks in the comments.

Maybe I should save this for Sunday, but you guys know how I like to wrap up the work week with a round of Shoot, Screw, or Marry (and also bottle of Jim Beam, but that is neither here nor there). And if there’s a Hell, then housekeeping is making up a cot in the basement for me as I write this, because today’s edition is all about our homie up in Heaven: Jesus Christ.

Hark! (or some other bible-y word), the contenders:

Source: Fun Blog

LolJesus. Hey, I’m happy to see he’s managed to keep his sense of humor after all that he’s been through.

Ink Spotter: Hanna

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the Dead Milkmen more than anyone, but I think this image is something better suited to, say, a goofy t-shirt than a goofy torso-length tattoo. Because I’m not a 14-year-old boy. And personally, I’d be having a crisis of faith the moment His pogo stick caused those stretch marks.

Ink Spotter: kittygritty

…and retarded Jesus. Can the short bus pass through the eye of a needle?

Pretty Jesus-y up in here this week, huh? Don’t worry, next week we’ll get back to our regularly scheduled sacrilege. Anyway, my picks: shoot retarded Jesus. I’m sorry if that’s insensitive, but I just don’t think we’d have that much in common. Besides being retarded.

Screw pogo Jesus. What can I say? I’ve had an incredibly immature crush on the Dead Milkmen since forever, and this is the closest I’ll ever get to having awkward teenage sex with them.

Marry LolJesus. There’s something about his body language that tells me he wouldn’t be into me romantically, but I think we could have a good time together. Plus he probably could use a beard—I don’t think his dad would approve of his lifestyle, if you know what I’m saying.

Whew! I don’t know about you, but I feel the power of Christ compelling me! Or is this what it feels like when you’re about to get smote? If you have any faith at all, you’d better get your picks in the comments soon.

Happy Friday everyone. It’s been a long week, so I think it’s time to have some fun with another game of Shoot, Screw, or Marry.

Actually, this round might more appropriately be called Double-Homicide, Ménage à Threesome, or Move to a Utah Commune With, but that doesn’t exactly roll of the tongue.

Anyway, today’s lineup:

Source: Inked By Design

The Pillsbury Doughboy poppin’ his puff pastry into Little Debbie’s Swiss roll. At least, I think that’s Little Debbie. She’s wearing the hat, but wasn’t LD a brunette? Maybe it’s Alice in Wonderland? But that would be CRAZY!

Ink Spotter: Matthew C

A disturbingly graphic rendering of skunk rounding second base and sliding into third. Wait, do skunks have bases?

Ink Spotter: Andy

And…this. I would call it comically poor in execution, except that I’m not laughing.

My picks: Off the stick figures. Though I am curious to know if this guy goes around asking people if they “want to see his stick figure” before pulling down the waistband of his pants.

Get it on with the skunks. Ugh, I can’t believe I just said that. But hey, at least they have creepily humanlike sex organs, right?

Walk down the aisle with the cupcake couple. While I don’t condone such treatment of Little Debbie (homegirl always had my back in college), I can’t really say no to Pillsbury’s prefab cookie dough. Or those fucking cinnamon rolls in a tube. Really, you had me at “Toaster Scrambles^®.”

Damn, this is a tough one! Your picks in the comments. And no, “shoot them all” is not an answer. Do you peek while playing Marco Polo too, cheaterface?

PS: Do you ever have a day when you really hope that your dad isn’t reading your blog? No? Uh, me either.

Alright everyone. It’s Friday, and it’s time for one of my favorite games, Shoot, Screw, or Marry. For those who have never played, you get three options (usually people, but in this case insane tattoos) and have to decide, well, who you’d shoot, who you’d screw, and who you’d marry. No substitutions. Void where prohibited.

Today’ contenders:

Source: Fukung

A unicorn pimp. Um… yeeeah.

Ink Spotter: Linda T

A open-minded unicorn. Don’t be fooled. That is not the Heimlich maneuver.

Source: Fun-Zor

And finally, what has to be one of the most insane things of all time, a Patrick Swayze centaur. With Swayze dressed as the character from the SNL Chippendales sketch with Chris Farley. Oh, and a double-helix rainbow in the back, just so you don’t have to scratch your head and wonder, “Hmmm, is this tattoo gay?” The only thing that could make this better is a Chris Farley centaur tattooed on the other arm.

Anyway, my picks: Shoot the pimp (reminds me of someone I’d rather not think of), screw the dolphin-fucker (he seems adventurous), and marry Patrick Swayze Centaur. I mean, it’s Patrick Effing Swayze. CENTAUR.

Your picks in the comments.

And don’t forget to enter our haiku contest before midnight (PDT) tonight! FABULOUS PRIZES.