Keep fighting the good fight, sister. I too am forever hopeful that we will someday find a cure for stupid. What color is that ribbon again? I lost mine when I left my Members Only jacket at Fuddruckers.
Submitted by: Victory
“Let’s see . . . L, P . . . O? And, uh, a spade? Z, D, 8, F, picture of a little house, and a Euro symbol. Do I get to renew my driver’s license now, or what?”
Submitted by: Shannon
They may never make a sketch out of Laser Cats, but that doesn’t mean they can’t make a tattoo out of it.
Submitted by: ciaora
And let’s end this Thanksgiving in the same way that I do with my family: by staring menacingly at each other until it’s finally time to go home.
Via: walyou.com
I think I know who’s going to bogart all the pumpkin pie this year.
And while we’re celebrating Thanksgiving, let’s not forget about that other important harvest tradition: football. Specifically, my personal tradition of starting the day off with beer and football just to make sure that, come dinner time, I’ve been drunk for almost as long as Terry Bradshaw’s been crazy. An early start on drinking makes the whole family get-together aspect of Thanksgiving easier to deal with, and also puts a halt to my former tradition of going straight from dinner to drunkenly shopping the Black Friday sales. Spending Black Friday blacked out is the only way to keep your bank account in the black, my grandma used to say. My grandma’s weird.
Via: ill-use.com
Well kids, today is the day that we give thanks, and today I’m thankful for you, the bounty of wonderful UT readers whom I hope I make laugh even a fraction as often as you make me laugh with your witty and sometimes drunk (don’t think I can’t tell) comments. Thanks for being awesome, and please don’t ever leave or I’ll probably get fired.
And now that I’ve sufficiently buttered you up, could one of you please bring me some butter, because I’m out and the store is closed. And also I’m not sure how I’m going to make a bourbon pecan pie when I’ve already drunk all the bourbon, so bring some of that too if you don’t mind.
Submitted by: Unknown
Normally, this is the part where I would say, “Well, you got the ‘hopeless’ part right,” but even that’s not true in this situation. So I guess the only thing left to do is send myself a dozen red roses so that I can use the thorns to slash my wrists. Romance!
Via: www.facebook.com
You may be out of the running for angel, but maybe you can be one of God’s “special helpers.” You can do God a BIG favor by stamping today’s date on all of these pages of scrap paper, okay? Oh, you’re done with that already? Well, why don’t you go play solitaire on St. Peter’s computer and try to be quiet while God is on this conference call, alright honey? Thanks.
Submitted by: Unknown
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