Ugliest Tattoos: Bad, Awful & Horrible tattoos
 
 
 

Archive for July, 2009

Is This Enough Rainbows To Get You Through The Weekend?

Jul. 31, 2009

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Alright everyone. It’s Friday, and it’s time for one of my favorite games, Shoot, Screw, or Marry. For those who have never played, you get three options (usually people, but in this case insane tattoos) and have to decide, well, who you’d shoot, who you’d screw, and who you’d marry. No substitutions. Void where prohibited.

Today’ contenders:

Funny-Tattoos-UnicornPimpSource: Fukung

A unicorn pimp. Um… yeeeah.

 

Funny Tattoos: Gayer than…well…anything. Except Swayze CentaurInk Spotter: Linda T

A open-minded unicorn. Don’t be fooled. That is not the Heimlich maneuver.

 

Funny Tattoos: I’d have gone with his character from Point Break, but whateverSource: Fun-Zor

And finally, what has to be one of the most insane things of all time, a Patrick Swayze centaur. With Swayze dressed as the character from the SNL Chippendales sketch with Chris Farley. Oh, and a double-helix rainbow in the back, just so you don’t have to scratch your head and wonder, “Hmmm, is this tattoo gay?” The only thing that could make this better is a Chris Farley centaur tattooed on the other arm.

Anyway, my picks: Shoot the pimp (reminds me of someone I’d rather not think of), screw the dolphin-fucker (he seems adventurous), and marry Patrick Swayze Centaur. I mean, it’s Patrick Effing Swayze. CENTAUR.

Your picks in the comments.

And don’t forget to enter our haiku contest before midnight (PDT) tonight! FABULOUS PRIZES.

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You’ve Got A Little Something There Near Your Eye (UPDATE: CONTEST!)

Jul. 30, 2009

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Funny-Tattoos-DrugsMustBeWorking
Submitted By: Anonymous

I spy, all ‘round your eye
12 circling spiders*
Not 13? Why?
A baker’s dozen
Of bad luck would seem
A better choice for this
Sociopathic scene
*Yeah maybe they’re ants. It’s called poetic license.

Update:
Commenter Aunt Martha has given us a great idea: HAIKU CONTEST! Everyone loves a haiku contest, right? Right?

Give us your best tattoo- or bug-related (or both!) haiku in the comments. We’ll pick our favorite by midnight tomorrow, and the winner will get their face tramp-stamped** onto the Ugly Tatter (Stephen or Jessica) of their choice (provided they can send us an image. If not, we’ll just guess at what you look like based on your haiku).

Don’t disappoint us! Here’s one to warm you up:

They’re ants, not spiders
As though that makes this better
He still has no job

**through the magic of Photoshop

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This Makes A Lot More Sense Than My “Fuck The Fire Department” Tattoo

Jul. 29, 2009

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UGS - D'oh
Ink Spotter: Cover-Up Artist

It’s not looking good for this guy, but there’s a way out of most situations for those who think on their feet:

“What seems to be the problem, officers? Oh, THIS? Oh no, it doesn’t refer to YOU! I meant the band! Yeah! I just really hate Sting and his simpering self-importance. I mean, that ‘I dream of ra-a-a-a-a-a-ain’ song? Gimme a break, right? Glad we got this all cleared up. You gentlemen have a nice day.”

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Beam Me Up, Scottie. Like, Right Now, If Possible.

Jul. 28, 2009

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UGs - Sulu on Sulu - FTW!Ink Spotter: Stinky Ink

Poor Mr. Sulu. His smile says, “Gosh it’s great to have so many dedicated fans,” but his eyes say, “This psychotic fanboy is trying to shove my hand down his pants. Call the police.”

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What's A Muff Snorkeler?

Jul. 27, 2009

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Funny-Tattoos-Classy
Ink Spotter: Suzie

The dating scene is tough, no question. Whether you’re in Paris or suburban New Jersey, it’s a bitch trying to find the person of your dreams, or at least someone who isn’t on any law enforcement agency’s ten most wanted list. So you go out on dates, you put your best foot forward, you dress well, but not too well, and you try to sell yourself a bit.

Some things are a little delicate, however. Y’know, it’s 2009, but it’s still considered inappropriate to say to your fresh new date, “by the way, I’m crazy about going down on the ladies. Really, I love it. If that’s something you’d like, I’m your man. I have a nightstand full of dental dams. So how did you like the second half of the film? I thought it lagged a bit given the pace of the beginning.”

Nope, you can’t do that, not if you want a second date. But how can you suggest that you might be able to provide the sensual pleasures your lovely new friend may desire? Well, the tasteful modern man is subtle. He gets a tattoo that says “Muff Diver.” Like this guy.

And again, we at Ugliest Tattoos would like to remind you, your grandchildren will ask about your tattoos.

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Tatooine (UPDATE!)

Jul. 24, 2009

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Funny-Tattoos-DeathStarSmaller
Submitted By: Maude

Back in the era of the big ol’ minivan, I always thought Ford should have put out a model called the Deathstar. They had the Aerostar and the Windstar, why not a ginormous, sky-blocking version with an ominous name to match?

This woman has named something else the Deathstar: her uterus. It is a fearsome, world-destroying place. She appears, however, to challenge your X-Wings to take it on. This tattoo is both an invitation and a warning — come and get it, boys, but don’t expect your proton torpedoes to be very effective — she has no intention of ending up behind the wheel of a minivan.

UPDATE:
After some commenters pointed out what looked like a C-section scar hiding in that Death Star, we here at Ugliest Tattoos decided to look into the matter. And you guys were right: some research revealed that this chick has been pregnant before, and this tattoo was not a pretty sight when she was. Behold:

Funny Tattoos: THIS is why my mom told me not to get tattoos

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Well, I Feel Spiritually Apathetic. How About You?

Jul. 23, 2009

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Funny-Tattoos-DeadlyAndUgly
Submitted By: Jessica G

At first glance, I took this to be a tattoo of a sloth. Fine. Weird, but, you know, whatever.

But those eyes looked so familiar to me. I knew I’d seen them somewhere. And I don’t know any sloths.

Then it hit me. It’s not a sloth at all. It’s a poor rendition of Stains the dog!!

Now there’s an Internet-meme tattoo I can get behind. Think she’s got the O RLY? Owl on the other shoulder? God I hope so. That would really put the crazy-eyes quotient over the top.

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F Is For Frolic Through All The Flowers

Jul. 22, 2009

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Seems like a charmer
Submitted by: Sandman

Now, this guy might seem a bit, let’s say. . . intense. But come on, guys. Check out the chin. He’s really just about the F.U.N. Sing it with me now!

F is for Friends who do stuff together.
U is for You and me.
N is for Anywhere and anytime at all.
Down here in the deep blue sea!

Seriously though, my favorite part is the “SKIN HEAD” above the eyebrows. You know, just in case you weren’t sure what you were looking at.

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Or Maybe Ringo Resurrected His Old Haircut?

Jul. 21, 2009

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Funny-Tattoos-ToupeDinosaur
Submitted By: Britney S

So . . . it’s a cranky dinosaur. Wearing a bad toupee. Shouting at us.

I’ve got it! Donald Trump! What do I win?

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I Guess She Could Get A Job As A RAWRceptionist

Jul. 20, 2009

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Funny-Tattoos-OneStepCloser
Source: IziSmile

This isn’t funny. At all. It’s not a mistake. It’s not a misguided effort. It’s not a brain-damaged “oops!” It’s utterly intentional, utterly sad, and utterly mind-out-of. If the stripes were just on the body, sure, there would comments to make. “Congrats, lady. You’re a tiger! Ha ha.” But once we get to the face, we’re looking at the face of pathology. “Society is dead to me. I have a trust fund, and will never need a job. I say ‘meow,’ unironically. No, wait, I say ‘roawwr!’ Got it? I’m an effing tiger!”

And again, that’s not funny. That’s sad. That’s shut-down-the-website-sad. You know what? Fuck you, tiger. We’re keeping the website.

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